Phffft! You Were Gone – On the Rocks

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HAVE AUDIENCE SELECT A NUMBER ONE THROUGH TEN – SING ONE OF THE THREE BELOW VERSES, THEN FOLLOW IT WITH THE JOKE VERSE

PARODY ONE – START WITH THIS VERSE
[G] I went to have lunch, and [C] sat at the [G] Bistro. [G] I ordered my food, and sat down to [D] wait.
[G] How was I to know, it wouldn’t [C] come till next [G] Tuesday. I just looked silly with [D] my empty [G] plate.

[G] I went to the Bistro for Com- [C] -munity [G] Wednesday. At [G] Sundaes with Staff, we get served [D] ice cream.
[G] My ice cream had turned to a [C] bowl of white [G] cotton. It turns out that I was just [D] having a [G] dream.

[ REFRAIN ] [C] Where, Oh where are you [G] tonight? Why did you leave me here all [D] alone? [G] I searched the world over and [C] thought I’d found [G] true love. You met another and [D] phfft, you were [G] gone!

SOMEONE PICK A NUMBER ONE THROUGH TWELVE
ONE – TWO – THREE – FOUR – FIVE – SIX – SEVEN – EIGHT – NINE – TEN

[ ONE ][G] I miss you so much, the [C] taters need [G] diggin’, The corn in the field-it needs pickin’ [D] now. [G] How well I recall the [C] first time I [G] saw you. You looked so pretty a [D] pullin’ the [G] plow.

[ TWO ]

Your [G] lips are as red as [C] ripe boysen- [G] -berries, Your ears are as big as sails in the [D] breeze. Your [G] two eyes bug out like [C] old pop-eyed [G] mullets. Your hair, like haywire, hung [D] down to your [G] knees.

[ THREE ]

I [G] saw your buck teeth. They [C] struck me [G] funny; I’m sorry to say I wanted to [D] laugh. You [G] told me the truth – that the [C] tooth cost you [G] money. You said it cost you a [D] buck and a [G] half.

[ FOUR ]

[G] I thought my love was [C] all that you [G] wanted. I can’t believe my gold made you [D] fall. I [G] Thought you would at least leave the [C] hogs in the [G] pig pen. I was mistaken cause [D] you took them [G] all.

[ FIVE ]

The [G] noises you made at [C] our supper [G] table. Your habits, my dear, were clearly [D] absurd. Just [G] how many times do [C] I have to [G] tell you; Soup is a dish to be [D] seen and not [G] heard

[ SIX ]

Re- [G] -member you phoned me a- [C] -sobbin’ and [G] cryin’ The dog bit your maw, and drug her [D] around. You [G] said she looked pale and [C] thought she was [G] dying. I said “Don’t worry, I’ll [D] buy a new [G] hound.”

[ SEVEN ]

I [G] went to your house at [C] three in the [G] morning. You had all them curlers and junk in your [D] hair. You [G] would not have scared me and [C] I’d not have [G] run so, if you hadn’t looked like you’d [D] wrestled a [G] bear.

[ EIGHT ]

You [G] took out your false teeth, your [C] wig and your [G] glasses. And you shoud’ve seen the look on my [D] face. I [G] wanted to kiss you and [C] hug you so [G] tightly. I would have if I could have [D] located your[G] face.

[ NINE ]

I [G] know that you loved me, here’s [C] my way of [G] knowing: The proof is right there hanging out on the [D] line. When [G] I see the sun and [C] feel the wind [G] blowing. Your nightie is hugging them [D] long johns of [G] mine

[ TEN ]

Down [G] here on the farm the [C] weather gets [G] messy. Laying around with nothin’ to [D] do. When [G] you went away, you [C] took my cow [G] Bessie
I miss her darling, more [D] than I miss [G] you

C Where Are You Tonight, Hee Haw
I.
I sent you my love, your teeth they need filling
You hauled off and said, “You ain’t got no sense.”
You ain’t got buck teeth, but when you are smiling
Your teeth look more like an old picket fence.

Where, Oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and thought I’d found true love,
You found another and Pffft, you were gone.

I went to your house at three in the morning.
You had all them curlers and junk in your hair.
You would not have scared me & I’d not have run so,
If you’d not looked like you’d wrestled a bear.
{ CHORUS }

I told you, my darlin’, you looked like a gopher.
It made you so mad, you haven’t spoke since.
But tell me my darling, if you ain’t got buck teeth.
How do you eat apples, through a picket fence?
{ CHORUS }

When I picked you up, for our date last weekend.
I loved how you looked, in your satin and bow.
I wanted to hug you, & kiss you all over,
You looked so pretty a-pullin’ that plow!
{ CHORUS }

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
II.

We once had a dog who ate in the kitchen,
Blacksmith was his name, no one could eat more,
You wondered why, we called the dog Blacksmith, He
spent his life making, a bolt for the door
{ CHORUS }

Where, Oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and thought I’d found true love,
You found another and Pffft, you were gone.

Remember when you went out hunting for possum
You said you’d get one and wouldn’t be long
That’s 10 years ago and I’m sitting here waiting
I’m beginning to wonder if something went wrong
{ CHORUS }

You took off your peg leg, your wig, and your glass eye,
You were surprised at the look on my face,
I wanted to kiss and hug you, my darling,
But you were scattered all over the place.
{ CHORUS }

Down on the farm the weather gets messy
Lying around with nothing to do
When you left home, you took my cow Bessie
I miss her, darling, more than I miss you.
{ CHORUS }
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
III.

The noises you made at our supper table
Your habits my dear were truely absurd
How many times do I have to tell you
Soup is a dish to be seen and not heard
{ CHORUS }

Where, Oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and thought I’d found true love,
You found another and Pffft, you were gone.

I remember you phoned me all sobbin’ and crying
The dog bit your Ma and drug her around
You said she looked pale and thought she was dyin’
I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a new hound.”
{ CHORUS }

I had six kids and you had 11
And we had a boy and they grew all like flowers
I wish you’d come back, Without you it ain’t heaven
Your kids and my kids are beating up ours
{ CHORUS }

One day you asked me how I liked her figure
You said, “I just weigh 103.”
Then you up and said, “One thing I can’t figure,
1 lb candy makes 5 lb of me.”
{ CHORUS }

IV.

I felt like a fool with fear I was shakin’
For I realized the spot I was in
The trouble I had was all my own making
When you caught me kissing Loretta Lynn
{ CHORUS }

Where, Oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and thought I’d found true love,
You found another and Pffft, you were gone.

One day she served me a couple of fried eggs
That was one of her contemptible tricks
I told her off I said when you’re a-frying
Don’t dirty my plate with less than six
{ CHORUS }

A good neighbor said your love was a Gamble
But your kiss drove me right out of my head
But then I found out that you like to ramble
Oh, What A pity, now our love is dead
{ CHORUS }